I watched the horrible scenery from my house's rear window. The frightening sound of thunder shocked me and I reacted by moving to the next room. It was the guest room inside my family's small house. I put my hands on my back, wandered around and waited for a phone call. Anna and Brian hadn't returned and I began to worry. My fingers kept tapping on the cell phone and repeatedly pressed the 'Send' button. One minute, two minutes, they hadn't replied nor called. The storm increased its cruelty outside.
And suddenly, there was a blackout. Darkness was ubiquitous. Being able to see just the darkness, I mumbled and cursed the bloody weather. If my siblings had been here with me, my angst would have been mitigated. I couldn't wait longer. I took my jacket and hat and also the torch light.
I opened the front door with great effort. The wind was so vigorously strong. I could feel it presing my chest. I stormed outside and took a quick check on the electricity box. The switch indicated that the blackout was caused by the State Electricity Factory. Damn the SEF, I grumbled again. There ought to be a broken or short-circuited cable somewhere. And it would consume a long time to detect the source since all the cables were burried underneath, not like when the last time I experienced thunderstorm here.
I decided to go inside to find shelter. I locked the door to anticipate the wind blasting inside. Taking my time, I walked across the guest room and stare at the family photos. There was one which was very old. The photographic paper had decayed for ageing. There was the younger version of my mom and dad there, wearing their best clothes while tying the knot. Looking at such a picture like that would only recall my pain again.
There was a smaller picture next to it. I recognized the three cute children there: Anna, Brian and Toby. Toby, well it was truly Toby. I gradually regained my memory about Toby. Toby should be about my age now if he were still alive. He left too soon, too soon to see the beauty and agony of the world. Maybe, he had been rejoined again with his parents who always loved him more than me, I guessed. Whereever they were, I would likely to go there to.
What was beside that photo? A photo covered up with dust. I used my fingers to clean the tiny molecules. Eventually, the most heartbreaking picture showed. I nearly threw that scarry thing away, but luckily I managed to behave myself to be calm. I had promised in the front of my parents' tombs that from now on I had to be brave to face my own past. My unimaginable past which always haunted my conscience was no more than another rags-to-riches story, only with some miserable additional features. It was all about the need of approval.
It was a figure of a baby that resided that photograph. And I had to let my pain - another pain - to be renascent again. This innocent baby reminded me about the power of love - and the destruction that followed. It was not too wise to reminisce that sad tale again. With many ordeals that I experienced, I had enough reasons to hate my life. Nevertheless, this baby - this handsome little boy - taught me how to admire life. He was too unfortunate - or fortunate? - to escape this life in a very short period. I once wondered what he would become if he never knew the selfishness of a man like me. Or maybe if he was still here and he knew me, the situation would aggravate. This dilemma certainly made my heart dwindled. I never had more affection to bestow to him. Don't be worry, boy. If my time has come, I shall pay back everything you hace missed from this world. If only I could....
I took my mind out of my painful reflection. After all, life still goes on. I was still waiting for two more persons whom I loved. Had I turned to be so evil? I didn;t think so, because I still worried about their whereabouts.
The moment that I expected finally came. I heard the sound of a car's horn. I bolted to the garage which was next to the guest room. Anna and Brian were inside the car with another guy I never saw before. They stepped outside just after the car had been completely inside the dusty garage. I grabbed the garage door's knob and desperately tried to pull it. But I couldn't; maybe the door's knob was somehow frozen. I cursed again the bad temperature as the cause of my mishap.
Brian helped me to close the door with his strong and young arms. I could see his muscle working effectively to pull the troublesome door. After it was totally closed, the light couldn't go in, so I turned on the lamp. The garage soon turned to be half-bright with a weak neon lamp shining. It was time that I realized the electricity in the house had worked again.
"Bloody hell! That was a harsh storm," said Brian.
A thunder bolted loudly and blew everyone's heart.
"And becoming more frantic and frenetic," added him.
Everyone but the streanger walked to the guest room. Ann doffed her shabby jacket and Brian turned on the TV. The other person was still inside the garage.
"Please somebody call Jeffrey in!" said Ann.
Jeffrey, who was he? I was somehow familiar with that name. Without any further thought, I trudged back to the garage. The man was wandering around, dawdling time. He winced when he saw me approaching him.
"Who are you?" I coined the conversation.
"What did you just say? I'm Jeffrey," replied him in an unfriendly tone.
"Um... I don't really know that. Ann called you."
"Let her hone the bad knife first. I won't come unless I have the knife to cut the pork."
"OK, no need to argue, right," I tried to behave my temper.
"Who are you? I've seen you plenty times in those family photos."
"Do you live here?"
"I'm Ann's husband, at least the last I check. Answer my question."
I was a bit shocked. "Ann's married?" I murmured. I aborted his question and sly glance that scrutinized my whole body.
"Ah, you must be her dishonourable brother," he smiled a sinister smile.
I was offended to hear his last line. I nearly collected my greatest burden anger to knock his face. Well, it was dimmed there but still I could see his clumsy face. He looked like a twenty-years old mannerless young adult that I frequently saw in Pulantai. He had shorter stature than me. his hair, thick and black, emphasized the contrast to his fair, almost bleached, skin. His eyes were so narrow, with elipse face and swollen nose. Only his lips which were easily seen for it was wide and brightly red as if he used lipstick.
He kept gazing at me in a very arrogant way. He lifted up his head to skim my body from head to toe. This disturbing disgusting small bastard! Hoe could Ann chose to live her life with him?
"Ah, so you're..."
"Yes, you're right."
"I know, I know. Mr. Yang and his wife died yesterday, right? I figure that's your business here," he loudly spoke.
This guy tried to meddle. "Sort of," I replied and tried to be patient. "Why don't we just go inside and gather with Ann and Brian now?"
"Nah, later! After all, you're my guest, not vice versa."
My emotion blew again. If it wasn't a special occassion, he would be carried to hospital right then. But I remembered Ann. She shouldn't be given more troubles by her miserable brother only becuase of her husband who never learned basic rules of courtesy. My anger might spurt, but I shouldn't let them controlling me. At that time I was inspired to study more about behaving myself. I had a history of troubles which were cause of a single offensive word.
Whatever I was struggling with, he ignored the signs of my increasing temper and rambled through me. He walked calmly to the pantry. I wasn't interested to follow him, so I made my way back to the guest room. Brian wasn't there, but he left his bag on the sofa. I didn't know whether he delibrately left it there or not so I avoided to touch it. I turned my glance over the TV. It was the Evening News from a new TV channel (I could barely recall the name). The news said that the storm was over for the most of the city. The unstable air wave in the stratosphere had begun to gradually shrink. The news also informed that the current weather was hard to predict, for the whole earth's climate changed madly. A representative of the cabinet (I didn't really notice from which department) said that the people should be aware of the fluctuating weather condition. The traffic condition had started to recover and the highways were reopened.
It was a quite good progress for me. When the news changed to be celebrity news, I also changed the channel. The next channel showed a Bollywood movie, with thousand dancers twisting and girdling around the lovers who were standing near a tree. As long as I could recall, I always assumed that that kind of scene would pester me. so I pressed the remote control's button again. The next channel was airing another evening news. The news reported that there was a mass rally that was marching to a former Semhao's president's grave (or call it, mausoleum) to regurtitate their protest that incriminated the Supreme Court for vindicating the former president's children from their corruption cases. Bored to hear such a pity news, I turned off the TV. Semhao also hadn't changed to a better way, just like me.
In my childhood, I never had this habit of blaming everyone who shaped the world as an unjust place. In fact, I never used to be attracted by social issues, for I thought it was not my business. Why did I have to take care of other people's problems? I didn't know those people and I didn't want to know even. I believed that the world wasn't very veracious even to itself so if it's already bad, why be bothered?
My negligence might be as frightening as Brian once said years ago. I was once an introvert who preferred stoic philosophy to normal lifestyle. Based on my cynical belief that the world wouldn't be better, I took a perception that I had to fight these vehement enemies - the unjust world and its demons in the form of other people - back so at last I could receive profit from this bad world. I used to be so individualistic like that until I studied overseas. My eyes were opened to the presence of the other besides me. That was probably one main factor why I was more hedonistic right then. I perceived my past back and discovered the hedonistic side inside me. It actually was an attempt of useless and restless escape from reality.
Ann woke up my wandering mind.
"The food's ready, everyone! Let's eat!"
I followed the natural call that brought me to the dining table. It was near the pantry and surrounded by five frail-looking chairs. Everyone sat in detached manner. My anger had evaporated. We ate together as a familty. I could feel again the hospitality of my own family after all those lost years.
"So," asked Ann softly to me, "have you met Jeff?"
"Already in person," I replied fast.
"Jeff?" She stared at Jeff.
"As he said, but not in person," replied him coldly while devouring the hot soup.
"You never tell me that both of you get married," asked me curriously.
"I figured you'd have no tendency on that."
"At least you could send me a message."
"You're always the same, my brother. Always blaming the others."
"He'll never listen to you, sis," interrupted Brian.
"When will you stop mocking me?" asked me to Brian, annoyed.
"I've no tendency on that, brother."
"I'm here now," I tried my best to explain, "if that's what you've been waiting for. I'm willing to repent."
"No, you won't," answered Brian in a skeptic tone.
I admonished, "I can if I want to."
Brian shrieked, "Yeah, bro. I know you too well. You're a multi-versitile person who can solve and change everything. A polymath, polygot, and also robot. I know you won the NMO and SMO. I know you won the IFO and those all freaking medals. But, that's not what you're for us! I'm here to speak, on the behalf of the others, that you're no longer worthy for us. You disdain your parents and discourage them till the end. You bring many disasters and all you can to reward is to polute our family's good reputation!"
"Brian, I don't mean to...."
"Shut up! You may succedd in the curriculums, but where's your loyalty and passion for your family? Do you feel ashamed because Ann and I are your siblings? Do you deny us because we're intelectually poorer than you? Well done, Professor!" he continued his accussation.
"Brian, I urge you, please..."
He continued his harangue, "Even you weren't here when Toby died! His last wish, if you want to know, is to see you for the last time. But, what did you do? You dodged him with numerous logical reasons. I guess SMO's deadly more important than your brother."
"Please, stop it!"
Knowing that I became more nervous, he raised his tone and abased me more. "Yeah, a genius, a well-educated man you've become. Graduated from the best schools, only to find out that the only side of you that's well-educated is only your lust!"
It was more than enough. I raised up, banged the table hard and hollered, "ENOUGH!! STOP IT FOR GOD'S SAKE!!! If you want to banish me, okay! I'm out from this freaking house forever! Don't expect me to return until I die!"
He wasn't terrified at all with my thundering voice, but even challenged me further. "You're always pleased to go. Don't retard. Get your dirty soul out of my dad's and mom's house now!"
I was petrified for a while. I couldn't believe what he and I had just said. My mins was already overheated with his philippic speech. But I couldn't lose my confidence. Alright, Brian, you want me to scram, I'll humbly serve your wish, but only this time. I surged from the front door with my jacket and impadimenta while Brian and Jeffrey were watching carefully. When I almost reached the house gate, a hand held me.
"Wait!"
It was Ann. Even though it was already night, I could see the moonlight's reflection on her face. She had a sharp figure with round face and quite dark skin, in contrast to Jeffrey. She looked thinner than some years ago. I was sure it wasn't caused of bulemia or any stupid diets, but because of her perseverance. She grabbed my hand roughly.
"Please, forgive Brian. He's been too tired lately. He's also worried about you," she muttered.
"No, sis. I must go. I'm the one who's responsible for the whole chaos," I replied with a heavy heart.
She began to sob. "You're not responsible of mom's and dad's death. Please, don't just go away like this!"
"I can't. Brian has rejected and mortified me. He will step over my dead body in the next 24 hours if I insist to stay."
"No, he's not that cruel," she adjured, "I miss you these years. I need you. What do I have now? I've lost Toby, mom and dad. All the joy's vanished."
I embraced her with a deep broken heart. "Sis, I also miss you. Don't misunderstand me. Maybe this is the path that's been chosen for me."
She disagreed. "NO! You choose your own path. Please, don't torture me anymore!"
She cried in my hug. I couldn't dare to go away. I thought would cry for the second time that day too. No, I'd had enough of this tyranny. I wanted to break free. Even though I had to release my one and only sister's warm care. Ann, you never failed to steal a space that I never intended to create - the space for love. But I still had to go. I was too vicious for my family and neighbors, the saints of the world. I wouldn't erase the memory of us growing up together in this place which was once called 'slum'. Please spare me for I couldn't satisfy your thirst of a brother's presence.
"Goodbye, Ann," I muttered.
I released her hug and galloped to the street. I dared not to look back. And the image of her slowly disappeared as the rain got harder. Good bye, my family, my beloved sister! Good bye!
.. to be continued